So, I went to the clinic yesterday and rescheduled a new appointment for my "Road to Start T".  When I got home, I told my mom, and she said that if I start T, and can't live at my current home (with her and my father) anymore.  My mom is backing my father up 100%, which I am definitely not used to...So now I'm looking for a new place to live.  My old counselor from my ex LGBTQ after school program is looking into housing options for me, as well as any job options.  I'm waiting for my housing application to come in through the mail so I can apply for housing.  I don't know if my friend was serious about us living together...in a way I wouldn't mind, but in a way, I also like my privacy.  I don't know.  But if I do live in a LGBTQ housing, I will be sharing anyways....With people I don't know....but it's free....UGH so confusing!  I wish my parents would just accept me for who I am and let me stay with them until I am ready to leave, not throw me out like I'm trash.  I'M YOUR KID FOR F***S SAKE.  So what, Dad, if I'm not your little girl, but I'm gonna be your only son!  You should be happy, not upset!   You get the son you always wanted, and you're blowing it.  And then my sister is another one.  Taking away my nephews because, I'm not gonna be Titi, I'm gonna be Tio.  I thought my mom, who said she would love me no matter what, would understand and support me, but no you wanna take my dad's side.  Well f**k you to then!  I'm sick of this, I'll move out then, and I'll become who I want to truly be, and when I become successful, then you could go f**k yourself!  I'll find my way, whether you with me or not, I will succeed and I will be a success, unlike you, mom, dad, and my sister!

Why I missed my 1st T appointment

So, on July 26 I was supposed to go for my first appointment on the road to start T.  However, I ended up missing that appointment for two reasons.  My first reason was I had entered myself at the hospital, and they transferred me to a Psychiatric hospital.  I was there for two weeks, including the date of my appointment.  Now to my second reason.  My second reason was why I admitted to myself in the first place.  See, I was depressed more then usual, and a lot of bull s**t was happening in my family.  But what really threw me off, was my father threatening to throw me out if "I ever come looking home like a boy again!"  A couple of months ago I told my parents that I was a FtM transsexual and I was also Bicurious.  My mom supports me a bit (although doesn't want me to start T and still calls me by my birth name), my sister is completely against it and threatens to take my nephews away from me if I do transition, and my father didn't react to it until that day.   So, I basically have no support at my house.  So, after all this happened, I admitted myself into the hospital for depression and suicidal thoughts.  After I got out, my parents treated me like nothing had happened.  I want to bring up the subject again, but not sure how to do it.  I'm thinking that until I move out on my own, I basically can't do nothing to move forward in my transition process.  The thing is, I am very depended on my family, so it's going to be really hard living on my own.  But if I want to truly become who I want to be, I have to do what I have to do.  Besides I'm going to be 20 soon, and my sister moved out at 18, so I guess I should go too.  I'm also thinking about moving in with my best friend too, since she needs to get out of her house as well, and she is capable of working, unlike me.  Hopefully, everything will work out for everyone, especially me...

Why I started this blog

Hello everyone.  My name is...well my legal name is Jessica, however I prefer my true name: James.  I am an FtM transsexual, and this is my blog.  I started this blog to talk about my life as well as help other people understand what I have to go through, including my own family, who, for the most part, don't accept me for who I truly am.  This blog will be like a journal in a way, as well as blog.  I will try to post as much as I can, especially about big things in my life and things having to do with transitioning.  On the right side bar, there should be a big blue box saying to donate $1.  This is my donation website to pay for my surgery (both top and bottom surgery).  If you can spare, I ask every one of my readers to donate a dollar to help me.  If you can donate more, then great, feel free to donate more.  However, if you are like me, and money is tight, then you don't have to donate anything.  I like to thank everyone who comes to to this blog, and a special thanks to anyone who donates.  Feel free to leave feedback on any of my blog posts, and you can also message me at my email james.neg1992@gmail.com if your questions or comments are more personal.  So, thanks again and hope you have fun reading my blog.